How I Managed to Resist Punching Out a Pseudointellectual on the Red Line

Okay, I know it’s my own fault, but he started it. There I was nicely settled into my seat on the Red Line on my way to a class. I was dragging along my ridiculously heavy Anglo American Cataloging Rules in my super awesome Lucha Librarian tote bag (a lovely gift from Lauren and Eli).

This guy, one of those men with mere strips of luminescent skin peeking out from endless bushy dark hair, comments on my bag to his girlfriend who was wearing a sweatshirt emblazoned with some education institution or another. He says to her “lucha librarian? Cool. You know, like Lucha Libre. That’s Mexican wrestling.” I glance over, mostly to let them know I can hear them and say “Cool, huh?”

The girl smiles and tries to get her boyfriend to switch topics. However, he couldn’t be stopped and went on to describe a “lucha librarian” as being kinky. At this point, I began to hate this guy. Lucha libre is not kinky. They wear masks because they are superheroes, not for weirdo sexual reasons. Luchadors would be terribly offended. If only Il Santo was there to straighten him out. I decide to ignore him and try reading a book for one of my classes. It’s called A History of Reading and he clearly thought it was hilarious that someone with a librarian tote bag would be reading something about reading. Nearly as self referential as There’s a Monster at the End of This Book. Whatever, dude.

I get absorbed in my book for a little bit and come up for air in the middle of a rant about Barrack Obama and Socialism. He apparently believes that Obama is Socialist and that is a good thing because “look at Sweden or Australia.” Huh? Okay, fine. Then he nicely segues into the competition of the graduate level of education, except “not so much in school, but in work.” I can’t figure out what the hell he means by that, but his girlfriend was either rapt with attention or developed temporary deafness.

I drop into my book again and put it away just in time for a reason to truly dislike the guy. He says to his girlfriend “Do you know what pheromones are? Do you?” She murmurs a yes. He says “Oh yeah, then what are they? Huh?” She doesn’t answer so he goes on to explain that “pheromones are the scents given off by your metabolic system so that others can tell if you’re healthy or not.” Okay, pheromones are scents given off by animals (and I think occasionally plants) that illicit an involuntary response from other of the same species. My understanding is that they are usually hormonal, like dogs in heat and not particularly indicative of health, although an ill animal might not have healthy hormone levels. I think he may have been thinking of a recent study that suggested that people tend to be attracted to the scent of those who are not closely related. Anyway, I don’t really care that he was a little iffy on the definition, but that he used what he obviously felt to be his intellectual prowess to badger his girlfriend and make her feel stupid. That’s not okay.

He also kept looking at me, which makes me think he was hoping I’d acknowledge his coolness. Not until you learn how to treat other human beings, baby!